a thought

I shake my head
I am m a d
and I slap myself
my face is ugly already so
nobody will notice my scars
nobody ever noticed my scars
nor my tears
nobody knows of my destruction

I do silent myself
(shut up )
because I have to
( worthless )
be silent I am nothing
( just a burden )
they will l a u  g h
( i am so so funny )
like they always do
( a silly dump joke)

perfect two

I stand here and i do not react
to a single thing that matters
there is no field in front of me
and no ball to take care of

All I see is my breaking world
Though I play as everything is fine
I hear their laughing and
their talks - They are the cool kids

I am quiet and every word
is a burden to speak
because my mind is screaming:
"You're worthless"

All I feel in jealousy in my heart
and all I want is the death of me
Because they are beautiful
together

DEAD END

And I am fading
fading with the wind
my pieces
they fade

There is nothing left
of me
Just a lot of feelings
and a broken body

Unable to move
instable
I am hopeless
and determined

No control
and no hope
was left
No belonging

that's how
the story ends
a happy end
still a sad lullaby

Echt

Das Licht ist ( so künstlich )
Es flackert in einer Farbe ( so künstlich )
Ich ( so künstlich ) bin hier ganz allein
Doch diese Personen ( so künstlich ) wollen nicht aufhören mir zuzureden ( so künstlich )
Ihre wertlosen Worte ( so künstlich ) hallen wieder

Und mein Atem ( so künstlich ) so kalt
Meine Laute ( so künstlich )  nutzlos und bedeutungslos
Meine Entscheidungen ( so künstlich ) lassen keine Spuren zurück
Mein Erscheinen ( so künstlich ) hat keine Bedeutung

Dort wird keine Erinnerung  ( so künstlich ) sein
Es bricht mir das Herz ( so künstlich )
Mein Ich ( so künstlich ) wird vergehen mit der Zeit ( so künstlich )
Ich werde immer alleine bleiben

Mein Ende ( es wartet ) das einzig Echte
( mein Ende mein Tod der Rand das Anhalten und Innehalten )
ist das einzig Echte

white walls

I breath but I do not live
I see but I do not understand
I scream without a sound
talk without a meaning
explain without a definition
run without a destination
learn without skills
dream without sleep
smile without emotions
cry without sadness
I feel so much und also just nothing
than emptiness

Silence

Though I told her
I feel like I did wrong
( I am always doing it wrong
always messing things up
failure im such a failure )
Though I had vent out
I feel worse than ever before
I shouldn't have burden her
I shouldn't have spoken up
( All I am is a failure I am always wrong )
Now I am laying here
staring at the ceiling
Feeling so full and empty
So emotional emotionless
So burning cold

I've become quiet they said
Maybe because
my head
is louder
than ever
before

The Kill

And they stare at me
I have the feeling everybody just stares
at my shaking hands
my sweating face
at my helplessness
at me

(And school is my hell)
Everyday the torture
the judgement
the laughing
mocking

All I want is to hide
to never go out ever again

Nobody to make me insecure
Nobody to laugh at me
Nobody to judge me
Nobody to mock me
Nobody to hurt me
Nobody
Nobody

I have the feeling I just do not belong
( to never belong )
in this harsh world
with such high standarts
fucked-up views and beauty

I don't want to get treaten like a beast
something unhuman
a victim
a loser

I don't want to exist anymore
I want to vanish like time
  want to get forgotten
  with all of my fails

I just do not feel like doing anything anymore
Everday I give my best
Everday I try to start
           new

But it seems like nobody ever loved me
ever appreaciated me
ever liked me
ever accepted me
like I am

All I hear are only lies
only denials
only shouts
only insults

breaking me
infecting me
hurting me
killing me